An Open Letter to My Mum

Zachary, My Angel, My Superstar xx

He loved you the most, you know that.

I have often wondered why words failed me when I tried to write about your relationship with my brother, Zachary. I think I now have figured out this ongoing mystery. The relationship and bond that you both share is too intense, deep and astonomical to put into words and anything I had wrote and drafted previous to this simply did not do it any justice and I felt ashamed and unworthy to write something meaningful. Today that feeling changed.

As a family, we came in pairs – it wasn’t long after Daddy that you would see me shortly behind. Same goes for you and Zachary, two peas in a pod, you both had more things in common, your love for fashion and your beautiful features mimicked on his face.

As I write this, its the 14th Feburary 2019, Valentines Day. This date has meaning to us as a family now, where as before, it was just another day. You would have recieved flowers from my father and a text from me. However, you and Zachary were always each others Valentines, forever the best and most beautiful valentine in the world you would say.

In 2017, you brought him home for this special occasion. You always spent it with him, forever basking in the fact that because he is gay, you will be his number one woman until the end of time. This hasn’t changed, you will always be his true love, you kept him here until it became too much, you gave us extra time and for that we are thankful. Feburary 15th 2017 would mark the last day you would see him, as you leave him to the airport one last time.  He leaves with the proudest Mummy in the world and we all know this.

When Zachary passed just over a month later and we were made aware of what had happened some hours after the event, I have often said that myself and my dad lost a piece of our hearts that day. What I haven’t disclosed is that somewhere in the darkness of early morning on March 18th, the person you once where also died.

The weeks following I watched you, the Mother I once knew as being an older version of myself change. I watched the struggle that living each day became, your sparkly blue eyes become shadowed with grey and your once firery attitude sink into anger and dismay. I thought long and hard about the inside feelings of you, over analysing your speech to try to understand the reasoning for the type of signs you were currently expressing. It wasn’t until I looked at you crying that I realised that my own mother is not a science experiement to me and I, more than anyone, know you the best. So I began listening to you instead of watching in silence, I tackled you with questions that would fuel your mind and begun giving you resolutions to the problems you were facing. Through reassurance and support you began to care again.

It is the wellness of both you and my father that fuel me, my goals and my aspirations in life. I try to give hope to two people who have lost the world and more, to show that the 18th of March was not the end and his continued story makes an impact to others who find him amazing just the way we do.

Their is no doubt that my brother circles around you, every breath you take, every move you make, he is watching you. The aura that surrounds you is something not everyone can handle, even me. From time to time I can not listen to the cries, as they make me cry. You have tried to remain strong, for both my father and I when we fell weak. I have struggled to see many genuine smiles on your face and the previous fire inside your heart but sometimes – only sometimes I see them peak through and I grasp on to them as my only source of hope for a future with you here.

You are always thankful for the 20 amazing years you both spent together – I know it won’t change things and I know I won’t compare, with the light features and many traits of my father it just isn’t the same – but I am thankful for the 26 years that I have had and the many more years to come, that I get to share with my Best Friend and My Forever Valentine takling one hurdle after an other and taking each day second by second.

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