From the 18th March – Today, I have been on a path of misdirection and confusion. During the time I have spent traveling this path I have found out things about myself and my new situation, a situation I never in a million years thought I would have to face.
A situation where I am now a lone bird on this big planet.
1. People Come and People Go
I have never been surrounded with as many people as I was during the immediate days following my brothers death. As the weeks passed the rooms in our semi big house filled with people (most who I did not want there) started to subside and we were once again alone. With only the people who truly matter still around us.
2. Your Health is Truly Your Wealth
More importantly should I say, your mentality is your wealth and your health combined. Over the past three months I have learned the importance of your own positive mentality, after all, it was my brothers mentality that caused utter destruction.
3. Pain Is Inevitable, Suffering Is Optional
My favorite quote. Yes it hurts me everyday that my brother is gone, can I change that? No. Would he want to watch me live the rest of my life in despair and suffering? No he wouldn’t. So I choose not too, does this always work? Of course not, but I do try.
4. Even When You Think Your Mentality Cannot Be Shifted, You Are Wrong
I am emotionally stable, in tune with life and a 10/10 realist. But if anything I have realised since my brother left me, it is that I am still human and I am depressed. Me, depressed? Yes I am. Due to the loss of my brother, my reality has shifted and it ultimately had changed my mentality. From one extreme to another and it is in the latter that I remain.
5. Every Decision You Make Today Impacts The Rest Of Your Life
Should I go visit my mum today? Yes, because she might not be here tomorrow. Should I send that email to the radio broadcaster? Yes you should, what do you have to loose. In February I did something that I never do, I took a head stagger and booked a flight to London, to see my brother when he asked me to come and help him. I missed a Karate Competition in the process and missed a Karate class I intended to cover. My dad was furious and I got the typical ‘you are slacking on me a lot recently and I can’t rely on you’ text messages for weeks after. But I did it; and in hindsight, I am so glad I did it as it was the last bit of quality time I had with him which I will cherish forever.
6. Talking To Your Passed Loved One Helps
Those conversations in the car, in the shop, in the depths of the night are so important. Your loved one WILL answer you, maybe not in words, but in other ways such as a song on the radio or a feather in your handbag.
7. The Thoughts And Opinions Of Others Really Don’t Matter
‘Her Brother took his own life, there must be something wrong with her family’ ‘What did they do to him’ ‘That will pull her head out of her own ass for a while’
THIS. DOESN’T. MATTER. – the only one who knows what is going on in YOUR life and knows how YOU feel is YOU. Everyone else doesn’t mater, and for everyone reading, my head will remain up my own ass for the foreseeable future, it likes it up there.
8. Chocolate Milk Is The Saddest Drink In The World
This was our thing, so if you see me in the 24 hour garage, staring blatantly at the Chocolate Yazoo, or in ASDA attentively stroking the ASDA Own Brand Chocolate Milk with tears forming and a panic attack on the verge of eruption. Do not approach me, I am armed with Chocolate Milk and dangerous.
9. Crying Can Symbolise Strength
For weeks after my brothers passing I couldn’t cry, to people from the outside looking in either thought I was very strong, or that I didn’t love my brother. Both of which couldn’t be further fro the truth. The truth is, I begged myself to cry. Emotionless emotion makes you second guess yourself and your feelings. It turns out I was in shock suffering from a severe delayed reaction, according to my counselor, in her 14 years of experience, she has never met someone who was in as much shock or had such a severe delayed reaction quite like me.
10. The AfterLife Is Real
If you don’t believe in this already, I will argue that you have not experienced death that hits you so hard that the only thing that keeps you going is the thought that you will see them again someday. I have visions of him, in the gateway to heaven, smiling an dancing. With Joanne playing the background and one hand extended welcoming me to eternal life, it is then that I will feel whole again.
11. People Who You Think Don’t Care, Do and People You Think Care, Don’t
Best friends from University, old boyfriends, childhood friends and even family members, who you think, because they were such a large part of your life at one stage would appear at your little brothers funeral, ask you out to coffee, a phonecall or even a £5 donation to his charity. Don’t hold your breath, because you will suffocate as all you will receive is a whatsapp message ‘Soz 4 ur loss Hun, here if u need me.’ These people do not deserve our time, you do not need them, their sympathy or their money nor do you need to speak about your beautiful brother with them. They can stick their ‘I am Soz’ right up their ass.
12. His Death Shook People
Zachary’s death affected people more that I thought it would. Especially grown men, grown men crying everywhere. It makes me wonder if their was more to their pain than meets the eye. Where they crying for my brother or for their depressed selves? Their depressed children. Where they crying in fear?
13. I Will Never Be An Only Child
Do you have any brothers or sisters? The question that is going to come up in various years to come with;
- New work colleagues
- Job interviews
- New Partners
- General Chit Chat with the person on the train
- My Children!!
My answer will remain the same forever:
Yes, I have a brother, his name is Zachary and he is 20 years old.
Because I will never be alone, we are siblings forever and ever just like he said. Maybe one day I will look at a picture of him a smile with pride that I experienced 20 fantastic years with the best human to grace planet earth.