Entry 5 – June 17 ‘You’re an Inspiration’ 

Without looking it up, what does inspiration define as to you?

My answer? : An inspiration is someone you wish you were and ultimately want to be like.

So when I receive the messages detailing that I am ‘an inspiration to others’, ‘You inspire me’, is it normal for me to cringe from head to toe. To wriggle in my jeans until the uncomfortable feeling subsides?. Every time this type of message pings in my inbox I always think ‘ No, you are my inspiration, I want to be like you, I want to live your life’

The life you live includes your loved ones, you have that one person that I do not. You have not lost the one other person in this world that shares your DNA.

I write this post from the outside of the most beautiful semi detached terrace house in Kildare, Co. Lois on the final evening of a perfect weekend. My grief level is sitting on a steady medium – I am able to block my thoughts. But I know what is waiting for me tomorrow eve, I know what is coming. I have left Coleraine and he has not come with me, but that’s ok. He rarely does, but I will see him tomorrow.

Florida 2011 – Charlie St.Cloud

We ran up a bill during this holiday, movie rentals of course. We picked Charlie St.Cloud, it was the first time, out of our many family vacations that we have been gifted with our own room.

Charlie St.Cloud is ironically about a brother who looses his younger brother and blames himself. The protagonist visits their brother everyday and he comes to him in life form in a forest.

This movie made me cry, and Zachary just laughed at me wondering why I was so emotional. The truth is, I was placing myself in their shoes, visiting him everyday if some time in my life I would be without him. As I tell my mum, I feel him engulfed in the walls of our family home. I just need to ask for a hug and I feel his big arms around me squeezing, this offers me comfort. My family home is the only place I do not suffer from night terrors. Even though I only feel his presence in my house, I believe he is in my mind guiding me to make the right decisions and most of all, guiding my writings because by no means can I write a blog. These are his words, these are his memories.

Just like in the movie, I believe Zachary comes and guides me when I need him.

Close to completion of my dissertation, four days out from submission – I sat, in my spare room and cried out in pain. I cried hard, so hard that my laptop tracker was filled with tears and only a cloth could wipe them up, I asked him if it was all worth it, was the pain worth the completion – should I just give up.

A day later my mum phones me and tells me that in the Y initial candle placed in Zachary’s blessed spot, she found a white feather. It was from him, telling me it was worth it and to keep going.

My mums birthday – I bought my mum some flowers from Zachary, she cried when she received them. An hour later, she calls again. Another feather had appeared in my candle.

This was his way of saying thank you to me.

This is kind of the same idea as Charlie St. Cloud except in the end he lets his brother go. I will never do that.

As for being an inspiration to others, that’s something I will forever fail to understand.