Entry 2 – June 17 “Happy St.Patricks Day” 

My brother and I have many similarities – one being that our favourite holiday of the year is St.Patricks Day. A celebration of being Irish, my brother spent St.Patricks Day, usually, in a bar 4 miles from our home town, with his bestest friends.

I tend to spend my day, 60 miles away from home. With an overnight stay in a hotel and a night out. As I have gotten older, my nights out are few and far between, however on St.Patricks Day I always make an acception.

This year, 17th of March was a Friday. My brother is due to come home from University the following Monday and we can’t wait to see each other. I plan to have chocolate milk and cake in the fridge to await him.

We are posting on social media as usual, liking each other’s photographs and status’ about the night to come.

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I guess, this is the last normal day of my life. Before everything went wrong, before the clocks stopped and time stood still, never to restart.

There was a calmness that night, I remember the air being dull and the wind being quiet. I thought about my brother several times that day, wondering how he was celebrating & if he was having good time. These thoughts were not unusual to me, to be completely honest, thoughts of my brother filled most of my day.

Beyond normal sisterly duty, I am not ashamed to state that I was obsessed with the safety and wellbeing of my little brother. To an extent I stalked him on a regular basis to calm myself and reassure my mind that everything was ok.

It became normal check his latest online activity straight before bed, two or three times during the night and the first thing in the morning and constantly throughout the day. This activity didn’t just arise, I am not a controlling person nor am I obsessive about anything. The was a reason behind my madness.

I was anxious because he made me anxious, I was worried because he made me worried, I was sick because he made me sick, I was scared because he made me scared and I was obsessive… because I was right. 

At a young age, I realised that there is only one thing in the world that comes before everything & everyone else. Only one person that had the potential to break me. Ultimately, I was scared to death of loosing my brother so much, that it was ruining my life.

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